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Question: If you were living a miserable existnce and had a fear of going out what would you do?

(Posted by: gillypop on 2007-07-23 12:56:25)

I am an agoraphobic lady married to an alcoholic for 30 yrs , and am totally miserable , i dont know who or where to go for help, i so want to try and have a life of my own but am trapped indoors and am just a slave to this man fetching and carrying and living a loveless existence despite being with him for all these years he has never once said i love you , we have four grown up kids but i cannot even begin to explain to them how i feel , also we have 12 grandchildren and i love them all dearly but i need my space now , i have become terribly depressed and angry withmyself for allowing this to go on but i really dont know what to do any genuine suggestions please !!!!

Posted by: Jan S on 2007-07-23, 13:17:35

Honey, I could weep for you. 30 years wasted. Are you gonna let it be 31, or is today the day you start to live again? There is a Buddhist saying 'a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step'. First off, you can't expect to do this on your own; you need help and support. Your children need to know how you feel - how else can they empathise with what you're going through and help you out of this trap you're in? Sit down and think this through - ask each one that you can talk to to come and have a chat cos there is something you have to discuss with them. Don't load the blame on to your husband - he has his own problems, and he is their Dad - but stress that your life needs to change, and that you need their help. 5 heads are better than one. Then book a home visit from your GP - don't take no for an answer. Ask to be referred to the necessary professionals/ counsellors/ whatever for your agoraphobia. A counsellor gave me a good maxim "Feel the fear and do it anyway ". I don't mean go shopping tomorrow, but step out of the front door and breathe the fresh air, and look at the flowers. Each day go a smidgin further - your self respect and sense of accomplishment will go up as you face your demons. Don't let your husband mock your efforts - he's doubtless very happy that you're always in to do for him. Will one of the kids go with you - even the grandchildren could help with this. A counsellor could be a big help here, helping you to face your fears, and giving the support and encouragement you need. I hope this helps hon - in the end the answer lies with you. You will have to be brave, but there is help out there, and the freedom you will gain will be priceless. Good luck and may your God go with you. xx

Posted by: lisa on 2007-07-23, 13:02:51

If it was me i think i'd face my fear of open spaces rather than spend the rest of my life a prisoner and slave to an alcoholic. use the internet/ yellow pages etc to seek help. if you can, talk to your children about how you are feeling. maybe with their help you can deal with both of your problems

Posted by: April on 2007-07-23, 13:03:01

This situation didn't happen over night and unfortunately it won't end that way either. The fact that your kids are grown is a BIG plus....what you need is a complete makeover...trust me it will build your confidence enough to make the next step.

Posted by: bmac on 2007-07-23, 13:03:02

Call your local Al-Anon help line. al-anon.alateen.org/ Your agoraphobia comes from the alcoholism your lived with for 30 years. You CAN leave, you know. And you should. Yes, it's scary being on your own. But it's MUCH worse being where you are now. When you are miserable enough, you will get help. Are you miserable enough yet?

Posted by: Gilles H on 2007-07-23, 13:04:24

You are not responsible for your husbands behavior. He has to learn to deal with his own problems. There are women's organisations that will help you. Also Alanon is an organisation that helps people living with an alcoholic. You have done your job and stayed for the children. You have every right to find happiness.

Posted by: Cherrypicker on 2007-07-23, 13:08:06

Dear Gillypop So sorry to hear that you are feeling bad. You should leave that situation. I know it is hard when you are agoraphobic but the situation you find yourself in is making you ill. Depression is a response to a life that is intolerable and the only way to cure it is to change it. I was in a similar situation, many years ago. My marriage ended, I got a full time job and became independent . It is a a liberating feeling and whilst I still get anxious, I don't have to answer to anyone and I can respect and value myself. Good luck. I feel really sad for you. Cherry xx

Posted by: davey babes on 2007-07-23, 13:10:36

My relative was in the same position but for less time, she saw a physciatrist and he told her straight that the route cause was her crazy husband, she was put on meds that helped her to get well enough to leave him and on the first day of freedom she went to the local shops without even thinking about it and then got better, at least one of your kids should help, choose the one that you think would understand the best, if you are in the UK try the organisation mind or get a referal to your local mental health team from your doc, they will give you good support to help you make that break and i bet as soon as you do you will start to heal, good luck.

Posted by: Stella S on 2007-07-23, 13:12:43

One little thing you could do for starters: Every day find time to be alone for half an hour, relax and be still. Visualise what kind of life you would like to have. As the days and weeks go by, you will begin to visualise the kind of life you could have - and then - the kind of life you will have. Also think back to a time when you were an emotionally stronger person than you are now. If you were like that once, you can be like that again.

Posted by: olliedog on 2007-07-23, 13:13:40

You must be about my age, married for about the same time, but I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am really praying for you. Is there any way you can contact a counsellor (maybe through your GP)? Sort yourself out any way you can so you will have the courage to decide that you are strong enough to do what YOU want to. It's your life, please, please take control.

Posted by: CATHY J on 2007-07-23, 13:21:54

I would try and reach out to other family members for assistance. The man you live with is very controlling and does not appreciate you at all. He is comfortable living the way he is while making you suffer and everyone else around him. Start making phone calls and reaching out to those who are in your family and could possibly assist you. The fear of going out will always be there, however with the right support system they might be able to help you get out of there and to a better home environment.

Posted by: sparkling on 2007-07-23, 16:07:36

You need to speak to someone cos you are not happy i was married to an alcholhic and it was hell. but glad to be free but you may stay together and it may work out but youi need to talk cos your not happyl

Posted by: Borderline on 2007-07-23, 23:37:07

Your the only one hurting and suffering through this..Have a word with your self about your existence,if you do not like it gotta try and change it..Over come your Fear of going out..Know it all so easy to say but unless you do you will continue to be unhappy..

Posted by: Cactus Jack on 2007-07-24, 08:05:17

Spend all day on yahoo answers..lol

Posted by: Willim on 2007-07-24, 14:30:33

I believe that you have hormone imbalance. The stress of over 30 years has caused or increased your hormone imbalance. For more details of the mechanics of stress and hormone imbalance see the section on Stress on web page. uk.geocities.com/ willim_walker@btinternet.com/ willim_001.html Scan through this list ylcf.org/ hormone-imbalance/ 06.htm and you will see panic attacks – agoraphobia is a particular case of a panic attack that happens when out of doors. You will see that depression and anger are also listed on Miriam Brazel's page This is the link to my web page regarding hormone tests uk.geocities.com/ willim_walker@btinternet.com/ willim_001.html#W_180 1 do an on line hormone test johnleemd.com/ store/ resource_hormonetest.html 2 do an appropriate saliva test and obtain results 3 get the results & discuss with a NPIS doctor or educate your GP/ MD Search the web for “natural progesterone depression� and you will find pages such as natural-progesterone-advisory-network.com/ depression-and-natural-progesterone.php One in five women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime. Regardless of age, race, or income clinical depression can occur in any woman, ... Search the web for “natural progesterone phobia� and you will find pages such as natural-progesterone-advisory-network.com/ symptoms-of-estrogen-dominance.php Overwhelming panic attacks and unfounded fear Social phobia, sense of loss of social skills, withdrawal Here are some natural progesterone success stories womhoo.com/ index.asp?PageAction= Custom &ID= 1 natural-progesterone-advisory-network.com/ testimonials.php npis.info/ casestudies.htm You may find something in them to confirm I am pointing you in the right direction. Once your hormones are balanced you'll make the right decisions for you and yours. :-)

Posted by: gillm on 2007-07-25, 07:08:33

The hardest thing you have to do is make the choice between carrying on as you are or getting rid of the ungrateful wretch you married - i was in similar circumstances to you once but made the choice to leave - what are you staying there for - if the house is your own then go to citizens advice - get a lawyer and get him out or sell up - take your half and move away and start a new life- the reason you are afraid is because of the place you are in - once you get out the problem will be halved - if its a rented home then go to the council and get them to rehouse you - get a divorce . being on your own is invigorating - freedom is such a great thing - being alone is 1000 times better than being with the wrong person - this life is not a dress rehearsal - BUT--- be prepared for the fact that you might meet someone who is worthy of you - you deserve better and your children will probably be proud of you for doing it - they must know what you are going through. if he tells you to fetch and carry one more thing today tell him to f**k off and get it himself

Posted by: kitty on 2007-07-29, 17:58:04

I dont understand why you have to be his slave. What is the worst that could happen if you told him to get his own dinner and to do his own washing?